Saint Peter's List

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

Ang Sulat ni Itay

Minamahal kong anak,

Medyo mabagal akong mag type ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal kang magbasa. Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili na bahay. Pero  hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang  number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address. Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila . Dalawang beses lang umulan  sa  linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa. Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nung nabili ko na shampoo, ayaw bumula. Nakasulat FOR DRY HAIR kaya hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko pag  ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at magrereklamo ako. Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw bumukas  ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay YALE, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw  ay  hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay, akala  nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng YALE, wise yata ito!

Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan  mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa dahil medyo mahal daw dahil mabigat ang mga  botones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga botones at  inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating  diyan. Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor.

Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500  na  tao na under sa kanya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park,  okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod. Nakapanganak na rin pala ang  ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalake kaya hindi ko pa masasabi  na kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie.

Isa pa nga pala, babalik ako diyan sa Oktubre pero naguguluhan ako. Di ba  yung Victory Liner, BLTB Liner, Pascual Liner at Alfonso Liner ay mga  pampasaherong bus. Yung Panty Liner, bus din ba yun? Saan ba ang Terminal  nila? At saka nga pala, me nag-interview sa akin diyan at nakalimutan kong banggitin sa iyo taga Magandang Umaga Bayan daw siya at nakunan ako sa TV  ang tanong sa akin ay ano raw sa salitang english ang Kulangot. Di ko  nasagot... ikaw anak, alam mo?

Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas ha.

Love,

Tatay

P.S. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang envelope. Next time na lang ha.

Funny Lines

Funny Lines

I work as a recruitment associate for call centers, and i often encounter funny lines. hey, i'm not laughing at the people. just the lines. here are some of them:

1. I am a flexible and I am perseverance person (when asked to describe her personality)
2. I want to learn more English words. (when asked why he wanted to work in a call center). [Damn! Read the dictionary!]

3. Do you have any extra ordinary positions that I can take for granted (Roughly Translated: Meron po ba kayong ibang position na pwede ko'ng apply-an?)

4. "Ten" (When asked to count from 1 to 40 to measure her articulation)
5. "Kelan Po?" (When asked to count from 1 to 40 to measure her articulation)
6. "I would choose IRATE CALLERS, Sir." (Answer to the question: If you will change the COLOR of the world, what would it be and why?)

7. "I want to entertain and satisfy customers" (hmmm....interesting concept...so...what are you wearing right now?)

8. "I want to expose myself to the customers." (Answer to why he wants to work in a call center") - Flasher ITO!
9. "Is there an opening for a call center?" (Oh so you want to become a call center now huh?)
10. "Hi. Good afternoon, my name is _____, and I'M a call center from the Philippines." (solohin ba)
11. Chocolates, boys with tongue pierce." (An applicants answer to the question: What are your weaknesses?"
12. "I think Grade 3 and 4 students are very childish!" (Answer to the question: What do you think is the most difficult part of teaching Grade 3 and 4 students)

13. "Haller???!!!??? (knocks on the table) THE SALARY!" (Answer to Why do you want to work in a call center?)
14. "I'm a married person, I have 2 children, the same boy"
15. "It's a colorful world." (Describe the shirt you're wearing.)
16. "It's a boomed industry." (So all agents are now dead, I guess)
17. "I like to explore other people." (ay sus...maniac ka ano?)
18. "I want to explore myself more." (Answer to why do you want to work in a call center. bagay sila ni #17...)
19. "Hu u? How did you get my #? Text me back, huri. Send me load." (The audacity of an applicant can sometimes appall you.)

20. "I was scheduled for an exam this morning....I wasn't able to make it...because I WAS TONSILITIS."
21. "Hi Maam, do you have an opening." (Lokong to ah!)
22. "I want to adventure into the graveyard..." (Langya, mahiilig ka sa patay!)
23. "I would like to be a part of the graveyard..." (isa ka pa...thriller...thriller night)
24. "Gd pm sir, im realy sri wen u call me I cnt hear clearly coz d raindrops of d rain is vry noisy. Rgrdng of wat u want 2 knw y u call me?" (A text message from an applicant)

25. "Do you accept walking applicants?" (No, we prefer flying ones)
26. Interviewer: So you're an undergrad. What year are you in right now? Applicant: Oh I'm just here in the house. Interviewer: No, I asked you what year you're in. Applicant: Year? I'm 25 years old! ( Nagkakaintindihan tayo pare...)

27. Applicant: Agency ba to? Interviewer: No sir, head hunting firm. Applicant (turning to friend): Egg-hunting daw pare! (Happy Easter!)

28. "In the middle of my study at Adamson, my father fortunately passed away." (FORTUNATELY???!!!)
29. "Hello, i just want to inquire about the application resume that i planted in the computer..." (Ano ka, farmer?)

30. "May inaantay ako na trabaho kaya gusto ko lang na may mapag LILIBINGAN." (Answer to the question "Why do you prefer a part-time job?" Tagalog na yun ha! Mahilig talaga kayo sa patay!)

Eto pa......

Recruiter: What do you know about the call center Industry?

Applicant: The call ctr. industry is booming out, side by side, somewhere
else. (Huuuwhaaat?)

----------------

Applicant: The call center is a booming industry for the past few days and
I want to part of that boom! (sumabog ka sana!)
--------------------------

Applicant: It's easy to be a call center, just looks arounds you, that why
i want to become a call center! (building ito!)

--------------------------

Applicant: Oh im sorry, i sit corrected. (oo nga naman, nakaupo sha eh!)
--------------------------

Applicant: Im afraid to dead. I feel that im not ready to die.
--------------------------

Applicant: I usually play PS2 at night when there is no loud.
-----------------------------

Recruiter: You look familiar. I think i already spoke to you before. Do
you remember when you were last here?

Applicant: I think months from now. (psychic ito!)
----------------------------

Recruiter: Why do you want to work in a call center?

Applicant: From Manila Bulletin. (ang gulo... i drug test nyo na to')

Recruiter: Ah okay, but my question is, why do you want to work here?

Applicant: Well, I graduated from CEU with a course of blahblah.....
(out...out...out....)

------------------------

Applicant: I'm a work alcoholic.
----------------------

Applicant: I'm the eldest and the only child in our family.
(arrrgggghhh...ADIK KA!)

------------------------

Applicant: I'm a hardworking...(yes..please continue...)

-------------------

Recruiter : Can you give me 3 values that you can contribute to the
company? Applicant : As a nurse, we were taught at hospital 3 things ...
TENDER.. LOVING ... CARE.. you get what i mean? (OH YES I DO!)
-------------------

Recruiter : Can you please count from 1 to 20?
Applicant : starting from 1 ma'am?
Recruiter : UH.. yes
Applicant : (clears throat) wun, chew, tree, four, fibe, zix, zeven,
eight, nine, ten, elevun, twulve, thirTEN, forTEN, fifTEN, sixTEN,
sevenTEN, eighTEN, nineTEN, tweyny Recruiter : Umm... ok, thank you very
much for interviewing with us .... (NAHILO ANG INTERVIEWER)
----------

Recruiter : Can you please count slowly from 1 to 20?
Applicant : In what language? ( ABA!)
-----------

Recruiter : Why do you want to work as an agent?
Applicant : Agent ho?
Recruiter : Yes. Why do you want to work as a call center agent?
Applicant : Call center ho?
Recruiter : YES. This is a call center. My question is why are you
interested? Applicant : I am willing po.
(GRRRRRR!!!!)
---------------

Recruiter : Why do you want to work in a call center?
Applicant : Because of the big bucks of money.. i want to hab a house...

FROM E-Group

Unemployed Graduate

An unemployed graduate woke up one morning and checked his pocket. All he had left was $10. He decided to use it to buy food and then wait for death as he was too proud to go begging. He was frustrated as he could find no job, and nobody was ready to help him.


He bought food and as he sat down to eat, an old man and two little children came along and asked him to help them with food as they had not eaten for almost a week. He looked at them. They were so lean that he could see their bones coming out. Their eyes had gone into the socket.

With the last bit of compassion he had, he gave them the food. The old man and children prayed that God would bless and prosper him and then gave him a very old coin.

The young graduate said to them "you need the prayer more than I do".

With no money, no job, no food, the young graduate went under the bridge to rest and wait for death. As he was about to sleep, he saw an old newspaper on the ground. He picked it up, and suddenly he saw an advertisement for people with old coins to come to a certain address.

He decided to go there with the old coin the old man gave him. On getting to the place, he gave the proprietor the coin. The proprietor screamed, brought out a big book and showed the young graduate a photograph. This same old coin was worth 3 million dollars. The young graduate was overjoyed as the proprietor gave him a bank draft for 3 million dollars within an hour. He collected the Bank Draft and went in search of the old man and little children.

By the time he got to where he left them eating, they had gone. He asked the owner of the canteen if he knew them. He said no but they left a note for you. He quickly opened the note thinking it would lead him to find them.

This is what the note said: "You gave us your all and we have rewarded you back with the coin" Signed God the Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost. 1 Kings 17:10-16; Matthew 11:28-30

Have you given all to Jesus Christ? If you haven't, do so today and he will surprise you.